leaning on the divine
sometimes, I just can't make it on my own.
By nature, I am a self-reliant kind of girl. One of seven raised in a family of necessarily independent individuals. I was almost forty years old before I realized I could actually ask for help. That others would actually want to help. It's hard to peel away my grasp of control. It's difficult to see my auto pilot taking on tasks that should and could be left to others. It's heartbreaking to know that I miss beauty, connection and love because I haven't lifted up my head and stood still amongst the warm sun and hovering clouds.
and, there are some days, I wonder who I am. Who is this person who is seeking something that seems to be hiding.
My energy is depleted, my spirits has been diminished, my self-confidence is in a shambles. I am weak at the knees and either a torrent of anger or a floodgate of tears is teetering like a time bomb, ready to burst from that single small straw that can knocks some one hundred plus pounds nearly to the ground, crumbled in a heap, almost unable to get up.
Humbling and heartbreaking stuff from a "get it done" kind of girl with unusually boundless energy and a true passion and enthusiasm for life, beauty, work.
At times like these, this is the time I call in the divine. I invoke a prayer, sing an incantation, sit silent in contemplation.
Sometimes I beg for mercy, sometimes I curl up like a cat on the bed and hope my lover will wrap his arms around me tightly, not letting go even when I do.
Blessings abound. The spirit fills me up and gets me up. "Walk out into the day", it whispers. Nothing like nature to remind us of the awe and beauty of world. Fresh air fills the lungs. I enjoy the feel of my muscles moving on the rough hewn concrete pavement.
The clouds part, and the darkness fades. I see the sun and feel its warmth settling on my shoulders lightly.
These days of uncertainty are rare. And they are a blessing. They call me to lean on the divine. May my prayers be often, no matter what and how I feel. I want them to be a part of my everyday. Laden with a gratitude knowing that I am never alone on this sometimes lonely journey. That I can call upon the divine at a moments notice. That, despite my stubborn and selfish self-reliance, the soft arms of embrace will always be open to welcome me back home.
By nature, I am a self-reliant kind of girl. One of seven raised in a family of necessarily independent individuals. I was almost forty years old before I realized I could actually ask for help. That others would actually want to help. It's hard to peel away my grasp of control. It's difficult to see my auto pilot taking on tasks that should and could be left to others. It's heartbreaking to know that I miss beauty, connection and love because I haven't lifted up my head and stood still amongst the warm sun and hovering clouds.
and, there are some days, I wonder who I am. Who is this person who is seeking something that seems to be hiding.
My energy is depleted, my spirits has been diminished, my self-confidence is in a shambles. I am weak at the knees and either a torrent of anger or a floodgate of tears is teetering like a time bomb, ready to burst from that single small straw that can knocks some one hundred plus pounds nearly to the ground, crumbled in a heap, almost unable to get up.
Humbling and heartbreaking stuff from a "get it done" kind of girl with unusually boundless energy and a true passion and enthusiasm for life, beauty, work.
At times like these, this is the time I call in the divine. I invoke a prayer, sing an incantation, sit silent in contemplation.
Sometimes I beg for mercy, sometimes I curl up like a cat on the bed and hope my lover will wrap his arms around me tightly, not letting go even when I do.
Blessings abound. The spirit fills me up and gets me up. "Walk out into the day", it whispers. Nothing like nature to remind us of the awe and beauty of world. Fresh air fills the lungs. I enjoy the feel of my muscles moving on the rough hewn concrete pavement.
The clouds part, and the darkness fades. I see the sun and feel its warmth settling on my shoulders lightly.
These days of uncertainty are rare. And they are a blessing. They call me to lean on the divine. May my prayers be often, no matter what and how I feel. I want them to be a part of my everyday. Laden with a gratitude knowing that I am never alone on this sometimes lonely journey. That I can call upon the divine at a moments notice. That, despite my stubborn and selfish self-reliance, the soft arms of embrace will always be open to welcome me back home.
Labels: calling the divine, divine mercy, gratitude
posted by Alisa Barry at
8:24 AM
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