too, too much
Sometimes the only overwhelm I experience is that which is of my own making.
I have big ideas and dreams. I feel sadness and grief knowing that some dreams I had will never come true {I think it is fair to say I will never be a famous actress}. I feel anxiety about how short my life may be and the dreams that could come true that may never be realized. Renting an apartment in Paris for a month to write "the book". Speaking Italian fluently so I can carry on a conversation at more than a pre-school level of intelligence. Taking classes at Naropa. Creating an art installation and sharing it with the public {and having it be a success!}. Being an artist. A successful, paid artist, that is. Whether it is writing or Japanese ink or beautiful books, that is what I hope for. These are the big dreams that keep me up at night and get me up in the morning.
I can hear Mr. time ticking in my ear, reminding me that another day of doing exactly what I do will not take me closer to my dreams. It will keep me exactly where I am.
Sometimes, I think it would be good to just want what I have. And I do. I am grateful daily. I love my studio. The fireplace that illuminates my winters with warmth and warm. I am grateful for the food I get to eat, the places I get to travel, the experiences I get to have. The cherished friends, family and serendipitous aquaintances whom I love and who love me back. And yet, I know there is so much more. That is what overwhelms me. Knowing there is so much more. I am like a greedy kid who has all the toys in the world, and yet wants more. Not that I want more stuff. I just want more experiences. Time. Money. The means to create and live those experiences I dream about.
Joseph Campbell has often been my guide. And Rumi. And my teacher, John. They all remind me that the real dream is not what you get, but the person you become. I hope someday I can say that I have become the person I was meant to be. I imagine I will become some of what I had hoped for and, hopefully, more than I could have even imagined for myself.
Until then, I will continue to dream big, be a bit overwhelmed, and seek that which brings me closer to settling into life.
copyright 2009 Alisa Barry
I have big ideas and dreams. I feel sadness and grief knowing that some dreams I had will never come true {I think it is fair to say I will never be a famous actress}. I feel anxiety about how short my life may be and the dreams that could come true that may never be realized. Renting an apartment in Paris for a month to write "the book". Speaking Italian fluently so I can carry on a conversation at more than a pre-school level of intelligence. Taking classes at Naropa. Creating an art installation and sharing it with the public {and having it be a success!}. Being an artist. A successful, paid artist, that is. Whether it is writing or Japanese ink or beautiful books, that is what I hope for. These are the big dreams that keep me up at night and get me up in the morning.
I can hear Mr. time ticking in my ear, reminding me that another day of doing exactly what I do will not take me closer to my dreams. It will keep me exactly where I am.
Sometimes, I think it would be good to just want what I have. And I do. I am grateful daily. I love my studio. The fireplace that illuminates my winters with warmth and warm. I am grateful for the food I get to eat, the places I get to travel, the experiences I get to have. The cherished friends, family and serendipitous aquaintances whom I love and who love me back. And yet, I know there is so much more. That is what overwhelms me. Knowing there is so much more. I am like a greedy kid who has all the toys in the world, and yet wants more. Not that I want more stuff. I just want more experiences. Time. Money. The means to create and live those experiences I dream about.
Joseph Campbell has often been my guide. And Rumi. And my teacher, John. They all remind me that the real dream is not what you get, but the person you become. I hope someday I can say that I have become the person I was meant to be. I imagine I will become some of what I had hoped for and, hopefully, more than I could have even imagined for myself.
Until then, I will continue to dream big, be a bit overwhelmed, and seek that which brings me closer to settling into life.
copyright 2009 Alisa Barry
posted by Alisa Barry at
11:34 AM
2 Comments:
I love this, Alissa. I could write the same post, express the same thoughts - I once, too, wanted to not even be a "famous" actress but just a working one, a successful one, one that can feed herself and pay her rent by stepping on stage.
As an "adult", my priorities have shifted, and I love the life I'm creating for myself as a coach. My Big Dream now is to support myself with my coaching, be able to perform when I want to (because I want to, not for any other reason), buy a home with light and space, love my husband and the future rugrat or two we'll have, and fill up my time with close friends, family, laughter, deep breaths, and passion.
Let's make it possible, Alissa!
My first post! I started this blog as a writing practice and love the idea of sharing thoughts with fellow seekers and inspiration idols. Thanks for joining my experiment and offering your words of wisdom.
I have my firestarter session with Danielle LaPorte of white hot truth on Friday and I cant wait! I am hoping she will help guide me on this path to creating the "adult" life I am ready to live.
I am ready to make it possible. Thanks for being on my team.
Love,
Alisa
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